everything is dirty. everything needs to be scrubbed. including myself. on my hands and knees, i start scrubbing. everything. floors. walls. woodwork. counters. appliances. doorknobs. everything is so dirty.
*he isn’t going to call you.*
scrub harder. get it cleaner. this house is a disaster, that is not how i was raised. everything is dirty. scrub the washer, put in laundry. scrub the dryer. remove the clothes. scrub the dryer again.
i feel the bleach cleanser burning into my hands, under my fingernails. good. clean. i need to be clean.
*you are just his whore. he’ll never see you anyway other than like today.*
scrubbing. scrubbing. everything must be scrubbed. finally, i scrub the bathtub and get ready enough to take a soak. it isn’t clean enough, scrub harder. when did this bathroom get so disgusting?? scrub harder. more bleach. the napkins i’ve stuffed up my nostrils keep my sinuses from burning.
now i clean myself. clean him off of me. scrub. scrub. scru….
*you’re a stupid whore. how old are you? you knew better. you only have yourself to blame this time.*
*he’s laughing at you…*
*quit looking at your phone, he is never going to call…*
i’m so dirty. i can never get clean. i’m such an idiot.
~lay back gently into the soothing, warm water. relax. let the warmth wrap around your whole body. imagine it’s him holding you. just as i’m about to drift off, i look up and lock my eyes onto my daddy’s pistol that hangs on the shower rod:
~ then i notice how dirty the grout is. it really needs to be scrubbed ~