Archive | December 2013

Losing Virginity

I am 46, in the ER having tests done to me. My mind hears and understands everything but my body cannot respond. They won’t let me get off of the gurney for anything! “Judith, we need a urine sample.”
“Can’t I just go sit on the toilet?”
“No.  You’re not strong enough.”  Laying on my back is the most painful position and I fight to keep my breasts covered.  I lift my head and look down; Two women are holding my legs, each one has a thigh in a lock hold, knees bent.  There is blood on my thighs.  They are all facing each other, laughing and talking to each other with the center focus being my vagina.  “Judith you’re going to feel a little sting….”
I lay my head back, close my eyes…
 
I am in my 14th summer at our cabin on the lake we go to every summer.  It’s raining so hard it knocked out the electricity but I can still see them.  Only the cute boy I’ve been swimming with all summer and myself are completely naked. The two, other boys I’ve never seen before, they are holding my legs, each one has a thigh in a lock hold, knees bent.  They’re all whispering, giggling amongst each other.  They’re all looking “down there” as the cute boy shoves his little penis into me.  It’s too tight to go in but I cannot move.  Just then what feels like a hot poker being shoved into my lower belly, my mouth gasps like a vortex, sucking in air.  The pain is nothing like I’ve ever felt before.  The cute boys’ hand goes over my mouth and that’s the last my mouth will be free for a long time.
 
Back in the ER.  “Judith, you need to keep your knees apart….” The oxygen mask I’m wearing feels more like it’s suffocating me than giving me air.  I barely raise my head and crack open my eyes.  Everyone is having a conversation with each other around my vagina, there is blood on my thighs.  All fades out again.
 
Back in the cabin.   The cute boy was humping me so fast that he didn’t even seem to notice when he fell out of me.  Now it feels like he’s poking my sore lips with a small, hard stick over and over and over again.  His hip bones are grinding on my hip bones and it hurts like hell but I cannot scream with his hand over my mouth.  
 
In the ER: this woman spilled something when she opened a package; I feel a warm liquid running all over me. The women all giggle but don’t release any pressure on the holds they have on my legs.
 
In the cabin: Suddenly, the cute boy stops his maniacal humping and it feels like he’s going to the bathroom all over me.  The boys all quietly giggle amongst themselves.  I thought they would all leave now but before I even understand what’s happening, the cute boy trades places with the one holding my left leg who’s pants are off.  He covers my mouth with his hand.  He has a harder time shoving his penis into me and when it finally does go, I feel another hot burn, deep inside of me.  I try screaming but my mouth is gagged.  I feel like I’m going to throw up.
 
In the ER: “…I should have known this wasn’t going to to work, it’s been one of those days.  Hold on Judith, I need to try to insert this tube again…”  it isn’t the pain and stinging I expect but it does make my head snap up off of the gurney.  There’s no reason to cry, my closed eyes tell me there’s a hand over my mouth.  I’m sure I’m going to throw up.
 
Cabin:  This boy didn’t take nearly as long as the cute boy and before I could make sense of what was going on, it felt like this boy was going to the bathroom all over me.  Now the boys aren’t giggling and whispering so much as they are panting heavy.  Somewhere, sometime, the cute boy had put his shirt on.  The second boy who just picked himself off of the top of me is putting his shirt on and taking my right leg that the third boy has been holding.  
I am so tired at this point that it’s too hard for me to fight.  The boys are holding my legs up more than apart.  They all just keep talking to each other down by my vagina.  Not one has looked at me or said one word towards my face and if it weren’t for the pain, I cannot believe that this is happening.  I try to wake up from this nightmare…
 
ER: The woman gets her urine sample from me.  I’m frozen stiff with pain.  “OK Judith, we’re finished here,” and yanks out the tube from my urethra.  The shock of the dry burn makes me gasp for air in pain and arch my back – which brings back on all of the abdomen pain I’m originally in there for.  I don’t even feel the ladies release my legs.  Everyone just turns their backs to me and walks out.  The lady who collected the sample, takes my bed sheet and from my point of view, tosses it between my legs.  I squirm frantically to make sure I am covered only to cringe when I feel the wet spot left on the bed.  I turn over on my side and throw up into my vomit bag.
 
Cabin: The third boy is fucking me now.  He is the heaviest on top of me and the smallest inside of my of me.  His hand, like the other boys did, stays firmly pressed over my mouth.  At this point I don’t even know if I could scream.  He’s so much smaller than the other, two boys that I barely feel him inside of me.  It’s such a cold, wet mess down there – whatever am I going to tell my mom about the state of these sheets??  When the last boy goes to the bathroom all over me, I am out of oxygen.  Tears flow from my eyes, snot is all over my face, saliva is smeared all over my throat and neck.  I look down at my thighs; they have blood all over them.  I look up at the cute boy I spent everyday with this summer at the lake.  
He doesn’t look at my face, only my crotch.  As he takes the bed sheet and tosses it between my legs, he says, “Cover yourself up.  This is how adults have fun.”  After they all dressed and tiptoed out, I ran over, locked the door, looked out the windows to see if any of my parents, aunts, brother, cousins, grandparents were awake; every camper and tent were pitch dark.  The electricity was still out and it was still pouring rain.  Then, I ran over to the garbage can and threw up.   
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